I got my laptop back after being grounded for two weeks and going an extra week and a half without my laptop.  And I went on Gaia....I should have never gone on there.  James was on there and I had all these emotions rush back.  I still love him, a lot, like a large huge amazingly amount of love still flows for him from me.  I don't know if I should tell him that or not.  I wouldn't be able to date him, because I can't let myself be apart from someone I love that long, otherwise I wouldn't have broken up with him in the first place.  If he comes to my confirmation party, because he accepted the invite, I'll tell him the truth, however awkward it may be.  I feel so sorry for him.  Hopefully things will go well if he does come up.  There are a quite a few people who will be here.  I want to talk to James about everything, everything that has happened since we've broken up....I need someone to talk to...but I don't think he wants to know everything that has happened.  I don't think he cares too much anymore.  I hope he's okay.
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At the same time I love Cody.  He has a fiance' and yet he also loves me.  I don't know how much of a chance I have with him...He's only 2 1/2 hours away, but he loves her soo much and he doesn't really like long distance relationships.  We'd be lucky to see each other once a week on the weekends.  But I really hope something can happen between us, because I can move to whereever he is in a year if I need to.  He is so kind and sweet and loving to me.  He fell asleep on the phone with me last night, it was cute.  He talks to me more than he talks to her, he's more comfortable around me than he is with her, he just is closer physically to her than he is to me.  I think that's what's holding him back from dating me, the distance....which is what was holding me back from staying James' girlfriend...wow, karma sucks.

Just let me die in my sleep.  So they can say it was a easy death for her, she fell asleep and never woke up.  I am sick of this life.  My life consists of people who cannot think reasonably or logically.  My love life is thrown back and forth between the jack asses and thousands-of-miles-away-guys.  My heart is broke and I suspect I cannot put it back together this time.  I have found no duct tape to help me put my heart back in place, to allow me to care, to love, to feel, to want to be alive.  So just let me die of easy and quick ways, so as to spare my "family" and "friends" the feelings of hurt.
I have no purpose left on this earth, to guide me on my path of life....I am wandering this world without cause and I do not wish to wander no longer.  Take me out of my misery and allow me to be visited by the angel of death.